Assertiveness In Anger Management Classes

When teaching anger management group clients how to be assertive in their communications, we often use the three “F’s” to characterize it: facts, feelings, and fair requests. One of the most important components of an assertive statement is a description of what you might observe: things you see, hear, feel, smell, or notice. It means the facts of what the person is experiencing in the moment, without going into judgement, placing blame, or trying to guess at the intentions of the other person. Here are some examples of facts that might be observed that might negatively affect the judgement of the angry person:

• I came home last night and our home was still messy from the morning when I left for work.
• The bills that are on the kitchen table have not been paid.
• The windows that were suppose to be washed are still dirty.

In working with angry clients, I often notice that they have difficulty separating the facts from their feelings and I try to communicate how its the beginning of reducing the anger cycle. By simply stating the facts, the client can simply better discuss with the other person and get cooperation rather than immediate conflict. Rather than starting the conversation off with an insinuating question such as, “Why are you so lazy that you didn’t pay the bills on time?” or “You are such a procrastinator! You still haven’t cleaned up the house!” This only serves to fuel your own anger and get a defensive angry reaction from the other person.

The second aspect of an assertive statement can share your honest reaction of your personal feelings. In its simplest form, it is to communicate to the other person how his/her behavior has affect you emotionally. I recommend doing this in a way that avoids make the other person feel shame or get defensive. Stay away from statement that shame, blame, or push the other person into a corner.

The third and probably the most important part of being assertive is sharing with the other person your request. Just simply state what you want but make sure your request is fair and reasonable. Another important thing to do is to make only one request. This is to avoid smothering the other person leading to feeling overwhelmed, shamed, criticized and attacked. A fair request is focused on helping the other person successfully making behavioral changes rather than changing their attitudes, values or feelings.