Anger Management Assertiveness

Assertiveness In Anger Management Classes

When teaching anger management group clients how to be assertive in their communications, we often use the three “F’s” to characterize it: facts, feelings, and fair requests. One of the most important components of an assertive statement is a description of what you might observe: things you see, hear, feel, smell, or notice. It means the facts of what the person is experiencing in the moment, without going into judgement, placing blame, or trying to guess at the intentions of the other person. Here are some examples of facts that might be observed that might negatively affect the judgement of the angry person:

I came home last night and our home was still messy from the morning when I left for work.
The bills that are on the kitchen table have not been paid.
The windows that were suppose to be washed are still dirty.

In working with angry clients, I often notice that they have difficulty separating the facts from their feelings and I try to communicate how its the beginning of reducing the anger cycle. By simply stating the facts, the client can simply better discuss with the other person and get cooperation rather than immediate conflict. Rather than starting the conversation off with an insinuating question such as, “Why are you so lazy that you didn’t pay the bills on time?” or “You are such a procrastinator! You still haven’t cleaned up the house!” This only serves to fuel your own anger and get a defensive angry reaction from the other person.

The second aspect of an assertive statement can share your honest reaction of your personal feelings. In its simplest form, it is to communicate to the other person how his/her behavior has affect you emotionally. I recommend doing this in a way that avoids make the other person feel shame or get defensive. Stay away from statement that shame, blame, or push the other person into a corner.

The third and probably the most important part of being assertive is sharing with the other person your request. Just simply state what you want but make sure your request is fair and reasonable. Another important thing to do is to make only one request. This is to avoid smothering the other person leading to feeling overwhelmed, shamed, criticized and attacked. A fair request is focused on helping the other person successfully making behavioral changes rather than changing their attitudes, values or feelings.

December 31, 2016October 28, 2018

How can I manage my own anger?

Buying time: practical ways to calm down. When you feel the first surge of anger boiling up inside you, pause for a moment. Think about what has made you angry, think about the consequences of exploding in a rage and then choose how to respond.

Delaying your reaction can make all the difference between blowing your top and dealing with the situation calmly and constructively. Even in the middle of an argument, it’s not too late to take a deep breath and choose to express your feelings differently. Give rational thinking time to kick in.

Count to ten before you act
Drop your shoulders and breathe deeply to help you relax – your instincts may be telling your body to get ready to fight, but your rational self can reverse this message by telling your body to chill out
If you feel the urge to throw something or hit out, remove yourself from the situation and try taking it out on something soft like a cushion that you won’t damage and which won’t hurt you
Try screaming if it won’t disturb people near you or scream into a pillow to release your tension
Talk yourself down – imagine what your calmest friend would say to you and give yourself the same advice
Imagine yourself in a relaxing scene
Distract yourself or take yourself out of the situation that made you angry – read a magazine, do a crossword, listen to soothing music, go for a walk
Pour out how you feel in writing or redirect your energy into another creative activity
Offload to a friend who will help you get perspective on the situation

There are other activities which may help you almost immediately, later the same day or if you make them part of your lifestyle longer term:

Work off your anger through exercise – channeling your energy into exercise instead will increase the release of feel good brain chemicals called endorphins which help us relax
Use relaxation techniques like yoga or meditation – techniques like these challenge the physical aspects of anger, such as the brain chemicals that prepare you to fight, before these chemicals lead you to act impulsively

Being assertive

Being assertive is a healthier way to express anger than aggression. Before you allow yourself to flare up, put yourself into another gear and take ownership of your feelings.

Tell people that you are feeling angry and why
Talk slowly and clearly
Use the word “I” to make it about you, not about them
Make requests rather than demands or threats
Say “I could” and “I might” instead of “I must” or “I should”

Assertiveness training tends to be aimed at people who find it hard to speak up for themselves, not at people who may need to convert their aggression to assertiveness. Self-help guidance may give you useful tips on assertive communication and body language.

Good communication skills can help you get your message across. Keep the lines of communication open. Listen to other people’s point of view. Assuming you know where they stand can create a problem where there is none and escalate a situation from bad to worse. y y y y y y y “If you keep shouting, people will stop listening.”

Excerpt taken from: “Cool Down: Anger and How To Deal With It”

February 26, 2016December 4, 2018

Five Ways To Happier And Healthier Life

Five Ways To Happier Life

The small things make the difference in the long run. Here are 5 EASY tips anyone can do in order to make you look, and more importantly, FEEL better. How do you stay happy during the day? There ways you can purposely work on staying happy. In this post I want to show you ways that are researched proven. If you these action items, you will be going in the right direction toward being happier in your life.

Drink more water. Dehydration leads to fatigue, bad moods, headaches, poor digestion, wrinkly skin, and more. You will feel better about how you look and have more energy throughout the day.
Take breaks to stretch during your day. Not a yogi? That’s okay! Getting up and stretching provides energy, promotes circulation, decreases chances of injury, and just makes you feel better. It lets you take inventory of how your body is feeling.
Make your bed. I know, I know, I hate doing it too. But it’s true that getting up and accomplishing one small thing in the first 5 minutes of your day makes you more apt to continue the pattern throughout your day.
Find things to smile about. Make an effort daily to find the good in life. The most beautiful people are not the most perfect, but the ones who can laugh at themselves and find humor in small things.
Stop saying “yes” when you mean “no.” This one’s a little trickier to put into place. When we do this, we’re skirting around the issue now, but it WILL come up again later. Learning to be assertive and upfront will save us hours of emotional agony later on.
Exercise. Exercising releases the good mood endorphins so that you are always in a better mood after a workout or simply a walk to the supermarket. Research has shown that exercising daily reduces depression and anxiety.
Make a gratitude list every morning. This is a list of things you are thankful for in your life. Depression can come from distorted beliefs about your life and finding gratitude in what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t have can bring about a change in your mood. So daily, begin by writing down 3 things you that you are thankful for.
Practice being mindful and present. This simply means to focus and pay attention to the present moment and accept it without judgement. This has been proven to reduce stress, improve mood, and change for the better one’s quality of life. Being present means enjoying and savoring all your senses: touch, smell, taste, sight, and sounds. Focus not on the past or on the future. Just stay mindful of the here and now.

Just a few ideas on purposeful actions that can change your mood and bring more joy. Remember, being happy is a choice and research has found that happy people make the choice to be happy. So I challenge you today to to live the joyful life that you can; filled to the brim with laughter and smiles. My hope is that the above 8 tips will help you develop a more positive outlook on your life!