How can I manage my own anger?

Buying time: practical ways to calm down. When you feel the first surge of anger boiling up inside you, pause for a moment. Think about what has made you angry, think about the consequences of exploding in a rage and then choose how to respond.

Delaying your reaction can make all the difference between blowing your top and dealing with the situation calmly and constructively. Even in the middle of an argument, it’s not too late to take a deep breath and choose to express your feelings differently. Give rational thinking time to kick in.

• Count to ten before you act
• Drop your shoulders and breathe deeply to help you relax – your instincts may be telling your body to get ready to fight, but your rational self can reverse this message by telling your body to chill out
• If you feel the urge to throw something or hit out, remove yourself from the situation and try taking it out on something soft like a cushion that you won’t damage and which won’t hurt you
• Try screaming if it won’t disturb people near you or scream into a pillow to release your tension
• Talk yourself down – imagine what your calmest friend would say to you and give yourself the same advice
• Imagine yourself in a relaxing scene
• Distract yourself or take yourself out of the situation that made you angry – read a magazine, do a crossword, listen to soothing music, go for a walk
• Pour out how you feel in writing or redirect your energy into another creative activity
• Offload to a friend who will help you get perspective on the situation

There are other activities which may help you almost immediately, later the same day or if you make them part of your lifestyle longer term:

• Work off your anger through exercise – channeling your energy into exercise instead will increase the release of feel good brain chemicals called endorphins which help us relax
• Use relaxation techniques like yoga or meditation – techniques like these challenge the physical aspects of anger, such as the brain chemicals that prepare you to fight, before these chemicals lead you to act impulsively

Being assertive

Being assertive is a healthier way to express anger than aggression. Before you allow yourself to flare up, put yourself into another gear and take ownership of your feelings.

• Tell people that you are feeling angry and why
• Talk slowly and clearly
• Use the word “I” to make it about you, not about them
• Make requests rather than demands or threats
• Say “I could” and “I might” instead of “I must” or “I should”

Assertiveness training tends to be aimed at people who find it hard to speak up for themselves, not at people who may need to convert their aggression to assertiveness. Self-help guidance may give you useful tips on assertive communication and body language.

Good communication skills can help you get your message across. Keep the lines of communication open. Listen to other people’s point of view. Assuming you know where they stand can create a problem where there is none and escalate a situation from bad to worse. y y y y y y y “If you keep shouting, people will stop listening.”

Excerpt taken from: “Cool Down: Anger and How To Deal With It”