Another point of confusion with forgiveness for many people is that forgiveness comes in degrees. A lot of times people think about forgiveness as all or nothing, something you either do or you don’t do. I hear people say things like, “Yes, I did forgive him,” or “No, I didn’t forgive him.” Instead, try to think about forgiveness on a spectrum between 0 and 10. This is what I call, “The Forgiveness Spectrum” ranking. Continue reading “Forgiveness Spectrum Anger Management”
But before we go too far talking about forgiveness, it is important to clarify what it is that we are talking about, what we mean when we use the word “forgiveness”–and what we don’t. In other words, defining forgiveness helps us do it. Forgiveness helps marriage counselors restore relationships.
Forgiveness Isn’t Excusing
One client recently told me, “I can’t forgive. If I forgive him that means what he did was OK, and I can’t do that.” Some clients initially believe that the term “forgiveness” is synonymous with condoning or excusing the harmful act, and because of this they have no interest in pursuing forgiveness.
Confusion Over Forgiveness Meaning
But when I use the word “forgiveness” that is not what I mean at all. I have found that many clients walk into my office with a very different idea of what forgiveness means than the way I use the word. Sometimes other counselors, pastors, or friends have different definitions of the term, too. All of this can create a lot of confusion over what “forgiveness” actually means. So it’s important to talk about what forgiveness is, and what is isn’t.
What Forgiveness Is Not
First, let’s start with what forgiveness isn’t. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting, condoning, reconciling, accepting, justifying, excusing, overlooking, or releasing the offender of his or her responsibility. That’s not forgiveness. Forgiveness is not making excuses or saying the person didn’t do anything wrong. Forgiveness is not saying it was your fault and not theirs. It is not saying, “no big deal.”
You’ve heard the phrase “forgive and forget.” I think that saying is a bunch of garbage. When you have been hurt you are not going to forget it. That’s ridiculous. “Hmm, did my wife cheat on me? I don’t remember.” Yeah right.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean Forgetting
Forgiveness does not mean forgetting. It also does not mean that you have to trust the person again. Years ago I loaned someone a significant sum of money. he never paid me back. For a while I was really angry about it. I thought about the money ever time I saw him. It was causing a conflict between us. Then I decided that this bitterness was hurting me and getting in the way of our relationship. I knew I would never see the money again, but I was also sick of it causing a problem for me. So I decided to let it go. i forgave him for not paying me back. I can honestly say that when I see this person I don’t bring it up and I don’t even think about the money. We can hang out and there is not problem, awkwardness, or tension between us at all. I have forgiven him.
Forgiveness Doesn’t Require Being Stupid
But if he asked me for another loan, there is not way that I’m going to give him one. That would be stupid. And forgiveness doesn’t make you stupid. If your girlfriend cheated on you it is possible for you to forgive her, and release any anger, hurt and negative feelings. But that doesn’t mean that you have to take her back. It just means that you are letting go of your anger and not letting her hurt you any more.
What Is Forgiveness?
So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness researcher Everett Worthington defines forgiveness as, “a conscious decision where the victim chooses to forgive the offender and give up the right to retaliate.” Forgiveness involves releasing bitterness and vengeance while at the same time acknowledging the seriousness of the offense. Another forgiveness researcher defined forgiveness this way:
People, upon rationally determining that they have been unfairly treated, forgive when they willfully abandon resentment and related responses (to which they have a right), and endeavor to respond to the wrongdoer based on a moral principle of beneficence, which may include compassion, unconditional worth, generosity, and moral love (to which the wrongdoer, by nature of the hurtful act or acts has not right).
Forgiveness Is Letting Go of Bitterness & Resentment
In short, forgiveness is acknowledging that you have been wronged, but choosing to let go of your bitterness and resentment, even though the other person doesn’t deserve it. You are releasing your right to hold on t to your anger. They hurt you once, but by forgiving them they can’t continue to hurt you anymore. When you forgive them, the hurt is over. It’s time for the pain to stop.
To really control your anger in the long run, you absolutely must learn how to let it go. Letting go of your anger is so important that I will go as far as to say this: if you don’t learn how to let go of your anger, you will never really take control of your anger. You will gain control of your anger in the short term. But if you don’t let it go, your problems will return. You can bet on it. Continue reading “Letting Go Of Your Anger”
One of the biggest dangers of falling into these trap is that you become the victim. Everyone else is ruining your life. It’s not your fault–they are doing this to you. You are the poor, innocent one who is being taken advantage of. They are making it miserable for you. If you think like this, you are turning yourself into the victim. Continue reading “Blaming Others Anger Management Danger”
Often those that struggle the most with anger also struggle with taking full responsibility for their anger. Here are four ways that you may be avoiding taking full responsibility for your anger and being unsuccessful in anger recovery. Continue reading “Anger Recovery Obsticles”
Imagine you are speeding down the road and you hear a beep. You look up and notice that your radar detector is flashing. This should tell you three things.
There is potential problem ahead.
You should slow down.
You need to take action right away.
When your radar detector goes off it means a policeman is ahead. If you are speeding, you should slow down or you will get a ticket. The radar detector tells you to take action right away before the situation turns into a problem. You’ve got to deal with it right then and there. You shouldn’t wait to address it later.
It’s a bad idea to continue driving at the same speed once your radar detector goes off. That won’t work out very well for you. It would be like knowing you need relationship therapy but ignoring the problem until the breakup.
Missing the Signal
But let’s say that you are just driving down the road with your music up full blast, enjoying the ride. You are not paying attention to the radar detector. You miss the signal, so you have no idea that it is trying to tell you to slow down. You saw the warning, but you were stubborn. So instead of slowing down, you pressed on. How is that going to work out?
Why this Matters
Anger is your body’s radar detector. This is incredibly important for you to understand. Like a radar detector, your anger is trying to get your attention and tell you something. Your anger is trying to let you know that something is wrong and that you need to act to do something about it–or your problem will get worse.
Think of it this way. When your body gets angry it sends you a physiological reaction that is anger. It feels different to different people. For some people it is an increased heart rate, for others it is a tightness in the stomach, for others it might be a clenched jaw or a tightness in the chest. But no matter what the signal is, your body sends you some kind o cue when it sense that something is wrong. It is vitally important that you understand that this feeling is a warning. Your body is trying to get your attention and tell you that something is wrong. This is your radar detector.
When you get angry, our body attempts to notify you that something needs your attention. It’s your body’s immediate response to something that is not right. Something is wrong and it needs your attention. You need to slow down and do something about this problem.
Your body sends the physiological reaction of anger because it wants to motivate you to do something Shen you get this signal, you should look at your current situation and act to improve the situation to make it better.
Just like your car’s radar detector, your anger is trying to tell you three things:
Blaming is an obstacle to successful anger management progress. If you want to control your anger, blaming is one of your enemies and you will need to stop blaming at all costs. If you continue to blame others for your anger, it will get in the way of your progress and your success in controlling your anger. Continue reading “Obstacles Anger Management: Blaming”
Whenever I see a client who is not making progress, I ask them a simple question, “Are you working the steps?” Almost 100% of the time the answer I hear back is, “no.” These clients want to improve but they are what I call Stuck Anger Management Clients. They have the desire. But they are not putting forth the effort. Sometimes they say, “You’re right. I’m not following the steps. I’m not doing the work. But you don’t understand. My life is so hard right now.”
Its no different than when I am doing couples counseling or relationship therapy. If the couples don’t work on their marriage, the marriage will definitely fail.
Anger Management Simple Truth
Please understand. I don’t want to sound uncaring or insensitive here. But there is a simple truth. You will not get better if you don’t follow the steps, even if your life is tough. Alcoholics Anonymous has a saying that I think applies to anger as well: “The steps work if you work the steps.”
If you do the work, you will get better. If you don’t do the work, you won’t. Simple as that.
Two Kinds Of Anger Management Clients
I see two kinds of clients. The first group of clients wants to get better and they do the work. These clients see tremendous, mind-blowing results. You would be amazed if I told you some of their stories. They literally turn their lives around, save their marriages and their jobs. It’s simply amazing to watch, and one of the reasons I love my job.
Then there is the second group. The second group doesn’t really want to get better and they don’t do the work. They show up because they have to but they don’t buy into the work. They don’t engage. They don’t do the work. And these clients see very minimal progress.
You Have A Choice To Make
The choice is up to you. What kind of client are you going to be? It’s your time and your money, so I hope that you will invest your energy and give this your all. Anger management works if you work the steps.
Let me put it to you this way. I can give you a map of how to control your anger. I can teach you exactly what you need to know. I can show you exactly what you need to do. But you have to be the one to do it.
Do You Want To Control Your Anger?
At this point you should have a pretty good idea of how well this course will work for you. Do you want to get better? Are you willing to do the work? If so, and if you can back up your words with actions, then the future of your anger management success is bright. If you can stay the course, odds are strong that you will see dramatic changes in the way anger affects your life. And you will be the next success story that I share!
Most people who struggle with anger know that something is wrong, but they don’t know what it is, and they don’t know how to solve it. Most of us were never taught how to handle anger. We didn’t learn how to do it in school. And if we learned anything at all from our parents about anger it was probably what not to do. We ask ourselves, “What is the anger management solution?”
Cheap Anger Management Advice
Sure, we have hear a lot of cheap advice like, “count to 10.” But that doesn’t work for most people most of the time. So we don’t kn ow how to fix our anger problems. One research study said that most people have fewer strategies for how to fix their anger than they do for any other problem like stress, sadness or worry. We just don’t know what to do with it.
Most Anger Management Programs Fail
And the sad truth is that most anger management professionals aren’t much better. Research has shown that a lot of anger management programs simply do not work. Too few counselors understand the science of anger, how anger works in your brain, and what really happens to make you anger. Anger is one of the most frequent issues that causes clients to seek therapy, yet most clinicians have little to no training in how to help people with anger. There were zero classes in either my Masters program or my Doctoral program on how to help clients with anger. Zero. Counselors and therapists get almost no training in this area, and so most have no idea what to do.
Because of this, many counselors offer shallow solutions like, “think before you act” and “take a deep breath.” These simple tips are just not enough for someone in the grip of anger. These counselors offer obsolete and incomplete guidance.
Anger Management That Works
This program is different. I have spent years studying the science of anger and based my doctoral dissertation on the effectiveness of anger management treatment. I can honestly say that I know how anger works, and so I know how to fix it. Think of me as anger mechanic. I created a program based on this understanding. This program is simple, logical, and effective in helping people learn to control their anger. The process is step-by-step and easy to understand, and most importantly, the success rate is remarkable.
Call Today To Begin
If you work the program it will work for you. You will learn to take control of your anger. Call today to setup an individual session with an anger management counselor and begin learning ways to control your anger. We have several anger management groups that meet weekly as well.
The truth is that you are responsible for your actions no matter what anyone else does or says.
It may be true that you were abused as a child. You may have experienced all kings of horrible things, from emotional to physical to sexual abuse. Please understand that I am not trying to minimize that and say it didn’t happen or it doesn’t matter.
It may be true that your girlfriend treats you poorly. She may be mean and critical, worse than any woman in the world. I recommend that you seek highly trained marriage counselors. It might be true that she would drive me crazy, too. It might be true that other people have problems just like yours, and some of theirs are worse. I am not debating any of that.
Excuses Don’t Work In Anger Management
But what I am saying is that falling back on these thoughts will not help you. Relying on these excuses will hold you back from dealing with your anger. They are a crutch, and they will not help you get better.
To learn to control your anger, you have to own the fact that you are responsible for what you do–no matter what.
The truth is that you always have a choice in how you act. No one can control the way you respond. You always have a choice. Even if someone sticks a gun to your head, you have a choice in how you respond. No one can make you respond in any way.
You Have A Choice
No matter what has happen in your history, or what the circumstance are that are getting you mad right now, you still have a choice in ow you respond. Always.
It may not always be an easy choice, but it is still a choice.
Once you understand that you can choose how you handle our anger, you can then make better choices about how you want to handle it.
So the good news is that since you have a choice in how yo handle your anger, you don’t have to be a prisoner to external events. If bad things happen, you can still control yourself. Even if you have a bad history of choices that involve anger, you can make new choices today.
Whatever happens, or whatever someone else says does not control how you respond. You are no longer a victim to your anger and you can choose to set yourself free.
Your anger management does not depend on someone else’s actions.
Lets recap an important point: you can no longer blame anyone else for your anger. That’s because I just took all of your excuses away. The responsibility for how you respond to anger is now squarely on your shoulders. If you blow up in anger, you can’t blame it on your wife or your fiend or a coworker or you past or anything else. Your anger is your responsibility.
Own Your Anger
If you think about it, this makes sense. After all, you can trace back your current situation to some point when you made a choice. You need to go back to that point and accept the fact that you r situation now is a natural consequence to your decisions. After you have come to terms with the fact that you are responsible for where you find yourself now you can stop brooding and replace the thought, “Wow, I really screwed up!” with the question, “What can I do to move forward?”
Anger Management Forgiveness Spectrum
Anger Management Forgiveness Spectrum
Defining Forgiveness For Anger Healing
The Importance of Letting Go Anger
Blaming Others: Becoming The Victim
