Healthy Confrontation Anger Management

Kind And Firm Healthy Confrontation

Not mean and firm. Not verbal abuse. Not kind and soft. Not mean and soft. King and firm. The key to a healthy confrontation is that it is BOTH kind and firm. Relationship therapists use tools for healthy confrontation all the time.

The following guidelines will give you some tools to help your confrontation be both KIND and FIRM.

Before the Confrontation

It is often a good idea to set up some ground rules of how your confrontations will work before they happen. You want to do this when both of you are calm, and when there is not a current issue that you have to deal with.

Some good ground rules:

Practice confrontation in person. Do not confront over email or text.
- Emails can often be misinterpreted. Someone will read too much into your words and over-analyze them. Sometimes people will be bolder in email and say something hurtful that they would not say face to face. They are also a permanent written account of what you said, which could be used against you in discussions or even in court. If you are arguing over texts you will likely reply too quickly before thinking through what you want to say, and make your problems larger. Plus, it is much, much harder to carefully form your thoughts on texts. Face-to-face confrontations, with minimal distractions are by far the best.
Agree to confront at a good time for both of you.
- Don’t try to have a serious confrontation right before bed when both of you are tired. Don’t have a serious confrontation when you are drinking alcohol. Don’t try to do this when the kids are around or while you are cooking dinner or doing something else that will take your attention away.
Never confront when you are angry.
- If you are angry, then you are unwise and you will say the wrong thing and make it worse. You might feel better in the short term, but your problem just got worse.
Never confront when the other person is angry.
- If they are mad then they are unwise and they will not be able to listen to you. When we are angry our ears are small. So don’t try to have a discussion with an angry person. When we are upset these arguments are not going to go well. Wait until you have a calmer head to bring up the matter. Your problem almost never has to be discussed in that instant.
Agree that verbal or physical explosions are never appropriate.
- Agree that when ever either of you begins to explode, the other will walk out of the room, and if followed, out of the house. If someone walks out because you are exploding, do not follow them! Let them go. If followed, the other will walk around the block and not respond until the partner stops following.
Agree to seek a resolution.
- To the point of a confrontation is not to win. Often people get in fights with the idea that they need to prove that they are right. This is the wrong idea, and will lead to future problems. The point of a healthy confrontation is to deal with problems. The point of a healthy confrontation is to deal with problem and resolve it. You want to make the situation better. Period.
Work together as a team to attack an issue, not a person.
- Make sure that it is clear that you are working TOGETHER to solve a problem, not attacking a person. A therapist friend of mine has couples sit next to each other when they fight, like sitting on a bench. He wants them to envision the problem “out there” that they are fighting against instead of the problem being the other person.
Pick one problem to confront.
- When people argue they often bring up other problems or issues from the past and everything goes in circles and gets nowhere. Just deal with one problem at a time. Pick the one issue you want to bring up. If you have more than one issue, the other will have to wait for another time. Stick to one problem per conversation. Then the argument won’t last as long and there is a good chance that it will be successful, which will encourage you in our future conversations.
Prepare for what you will say.
- Don’t just blindly go into a conversation and say whatever is on your mind. Thing about how you want to say it first. Some people like to practice and write out the confrontation before they actually say it. This practice can make a big difference.
Request a conversation.
- Now that you are ready, request (not demand) a conversation. This is called conversation before the conversation.
- “I have something that is bothering me. Can I talk with you about it?”
- “I need to talk with you about something. Can we do it now, or would it be better to do it later?”
- “Do you have a minute to talk?”
- This prepares the other person for the conversation so it doesn’t come out of nowhere. It also helps you maintain a calm head going int the conversation. It also gives the other person choice, which gives them some power and keeps them from getting defensive. It’s important to note that this is not a demand, but a request. If you are going to use this, you have to be OK with them saying that now is not a good time. if the other person can’t do it right then, make sure you set a time to do it. Don’t let it slip through the cracks. The confrontation doesn’t have to be right then, but does need to happen.

March 3, 2017December 4, 2018

Mean And Soft Confrontation Anger Management

Anger Management Confrontation: Mean & Soft

Some people have a patter of using mean and soft confrontation for their anger management. This is the worst combination. These people yell and scream and lost their temper. They start their confrontations with explosive anger. But then later they give in and get walked on. Many relationship therapists working with angry couples see this all the time. Continue reading “Mean And Soft Confrontation Anger Management”

February 24, 2017December 4, 2018

Anger Management Confrontation: Kind & Soft

Anger Management Confrontation: Soft & Kind

One way we teach in anger management confrontation is to do it with kindness and in a softer tone. Some people hate confrontation so much that when they do confront, they water it down so much that no message gets through. Often these people don’t want to hurt the other person’s feelings, or they fear the other person will explode if they come on too strong. they might feel like they re “walking on eggshells.” they use abstract or indirect language to say things like, “we should do something about this,” but they don’t actually say what they mean. Both anger management counselors and sexual addiction therapists teach healthy ways to confront others without hurting and say what they mean without avoidance.

Too Soft Confrontation Leads To Confusion

The problem is that these confrontations are so weak that the other person walks away not understanding what you meant to say. In an effort to sugarcoat the message so you don’t seem rude, the message gets lost. People who do this might even walk away thinking, “that went well.” But the reality is that the other person missed the point altogether because of the kind and soft confrontation. These confronts are Kind and Soft.

Ambivalent Confrontation Doesn’t Work

Other people are pushovers who setup a boundary, but then back down and get walked on. They might make a policy or rule, but then feel bad and back down. When their children act up, they tell them they are grounded, but then they don’t enforce it. They might make idle threats, but in the end they are too soft and they get walked on. To be perfectly clear: anger management does not mean getting walked on. The goal of this program is NOT to turn you into a doormat. If you were wronged, you need to respond. You need to stand up for yourself. You just need to do it in an effective manner.

Don’t Fluctuating Confrontations

Some people fluctuate between being kind and soft an mean and firm. They start kind, but then turn mean once they can’t take it anymore. As you can probably guess, this doesn’t work out very well. It’s like a girlfriend who acts like everything is fine for months and then suddenly dumps you out of nowhere. Don’t be like that.

January 27, 2017October 28, 2018

Separating Anger Management Facts Verses Filter

If you are going to learn to control you anger, it is very important that you learn to distinguish facts from filters. You have to separate your thoughts from the objective facts of a situation. As you continue to use your anger log you will start to understand the difference between facts and the filter. You will see most of your filter from what you are writing down on the “trigger thoughts” column of your anger log.

If you let your filter get out of control, it will make you much, much angrier. Most of the time we don’t get upset about facts. We get upset about filter. Even in counseling for addictions and depression, there needs to be recognition of filters.

Now that you understand fact and filter, when you are evaluating your own situation check to see if it is filter or fact. Determine if your anger trigger is a fact or if it is your filter.

Am I angry about something that happened, or my own conclusions?
Am I reading into this situation, and that is why I am upset?
Was I in a bad mood, and that is impacting how I see this?
Was I mindreading here?
Am I jumping to conclusions?
Am I upset right now because of my filter?

If your anger filter is making you angry, then you have to question is this true? Question the validity of the thoughts. Is the thought that is making you angry a valid thought? You have to challenge the conclusion that you came to that there was an injustice that took place. Sometimes there really is no injustice. Sometimes it was just a problem that was in our heads.

“Is this statement true?”
Is he really “always” so disrespectful? No, not always.
“is there any evidence that this is not true?”
Well, yes, Sometimes she is very respectful to me.

Excerpt taken from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management” by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

January 15, 2017October 28, 2018

Anger Management Counseling Facts

Facts are what our eyes, ears and touch tell us and our filter is the way we think about and interpret these facts. Anger Management counseling facts are things that happen, and our filter is the lens that we use to see those things. Our filters are like glasses that we wear to see the facts. When things happen, we use filter that makes conclusions and evaluations about what happened. We don’t see events. We see what we thing of the events.

It’s like a camera filter. You can look through a camera filter and see the world in sepia, even though that is not really what the world looks like. But through your filter, that is what you see. And it seems real. You don’t think you re looking through a filter, you just think that is the way it is. But the reality is that the filter has totally changed the picture.

For example, you see a friend yawn when you are talking with her. That is a fact. But you interpret this yawn by thinking that she is bored with the conversation. You use a mindreading filter in determining that she is bored. You might even think that she is bored with you or doesn’t like you. The fact is that she yawned, but your filter is that she doesn’t like you. That’s the conclusion of your filter. Since you draw the conclusion that she is bored with you, you get your feelings hurt, act defensively, and say something rude to her.

Only later do you learn that she was up all night because she was sick and coughing. Her yawn had nothing to do with you. Your filter had caused you to make a false conclusion.

Or maybe you had a date scheduled with your girlfriend. Then she called and told you that she was sick and so she wanted to cancel the date. The fact is that she canceled the date. But your jump to conclusions filter might be saying: “She doesn’t like me. She’s bored with this relationship and that’s why she canceled.” or maybe even, “she’s going out with someone else tonight. That’s why she canceled. She’s cheating on me!”

That’s your filter talking. It is a conclusion that you came to based on facts. But it is not a fact.

In the end the assumptions in your filter often have almost nothing to do with reality. You take some facts and create a completely distorted picture out of it. We do this all the time. We make assumptions about the motives and feelings of others–often incorrectly–and then get angry because of this.

A few weeks ago my wife and I were driving the car. She turned to me and said, “Look at that guy’s lawn. It is so nice and green.”

What she said was a nice thing about our neighbor’s lawn. But what I hear was, “our lawn stinks. You are not taking care of our lawn the way that guy is.” That’s not what she said, but that is what I heard. That was my filter, the conclusion that I drew from what she said. And because of my filter, I got upset.

How do I know if something is fact or if it is my filter? A fact is something that you can see, hear, or touch. You know it is a fact if a video camera was watching and they would see what happened. A fact cannot be argued.

You filter, on the other had, is your opinion. It is the conclusions that you make based on some information. if your filter is distorted, it will lead you to trigger thoughts, which will lead you to anger.

December 31, 2016October 28, 2018

How can I manage my own anger?

Buying time: practical ways to calm down. When you feel the first surge of anger boiling up inside you, pause for a moment. Think about what has made you angry, think about the consequences of exploding in a rage and then choose how to respond.

Delaying your reaction can make all the difference between blowing your top and dealing with the situation calmly and constructively. Even in the middle of an argument, it’s not too late to take a deep breath and choose to express your feelings differently. Give rational thinking time to kick in.

Count to ten before you act
Drop your shoulders and breathe deeply to help you relax – your instincts may be telling your body to get ready to fight, but your rational self can reverse this message by telling your body to chill out
If you feel the urge to throw something or hit out, remove yourself from the situation and try taking it out on something soft like a cushion that you won’t damage and which won’t hurt you
Try screaming if it won’t disturb people near you or scream into a pillow to release your tension
Talk yourself down – imagine what your calmest friend would say to you and give yourself the same advice
Imagine yourself in a relaxing scene
Distract yourself or take yourself out of the situation that made you angry – read a magazine, do a crossword, listen to soothing music, go for a walk
Pour out how you feel in writing or redirect your energy into another creative activity
Offload to a friend who will help you get perspective on the situation

There are other activities which may help you almost immediately, later the same day or if you make them part of your lifestyle longer term:

Work off your anger through exercise – channeling your energy into exercise instead will increase the release of feel good brain chemicals called endorphins which help us relax
Use relaxation techniques like yoga or meditation – techniques like these challenge the physical aspects of anger, such as the brain chemicals that prepare you to fight, before these chemicals lead you to act impulsively

Being assertive

Being assertive is a healthier way to express anger than aggression. Before you allow yourself to flare up, put yourself into another gear and take ownership of your feelings.

Tell people that you are feeling angry and why
Talk slowly and clearly
Use the word “I” to make it about you, not about them
Make requests rather than demands or threats
Say “I could” and “I might” instead of “I must” or “I should”

Assertiveness training tends to be aimed at people who find it hard to speak up for themselves, not at people who may need to convert their aggression to assertiveness. Self-help guidance may give you useful tips on assertive communication and body language.

Good communication skills can help you get your message across. Keep the lines of communication open. Listen to other people’s point of view. Assuming you know where they stand can create a problem where there is none and escalate a situation from bad to worse. y y y y y y y “If you keep shouting, people will stop listening.”

Excerpt taken from: “Cool Down: Anger and How To Deal With It”

November 25, 2016December 4, 2018

Anger Management Option Direct Confrontation

Anger Management Option: Direct Confrontation

Direct confrontation is very hard to do, but it can be extremely effective when done well. The idea behind direct confrontation in anger management counseling is that you sit down with someone face-to-face and tell them directly what your problem is, without being explosive. This method works well in relationship counseling tools.

You stand up when there is a wrong and confront the problem while still considering the needs of others. This choice with anger can help relationships to grow. You are not abrasive and not meant to harm, but work through a situation and bring it to a conclusion. You communicate your needs in a constructive fashion.

This might mean taking a stand in a relationship so that you are not walked on, but done in a way that cares for the other person. You are both kind and firm at the same time.

If you are wronged and you do nothing, you usually become bitter about it eventually and junk piles up in your relationships. Being assertive allows you to keep a clean slate with everyone.

It’s important to use direct confrontation on subjects that matter. Confronting takes energy. You can’t confront everything, so you have to learn to let go of small, trivial problems.

Being assertive is very important and difficult. It is not about pushing your agenda on someone, and it also takes into account the long run and not just the immediate situation. The tone of your voice is also very important in your confronts.

People do not always respond well to direct confrontation (especially those that are overly sensitive) but there is a greater chance it will help resolve your problem and make the situation better. This is a healthy response to anger.

Pros and Cons

Using direct confrontation lets you speak your mind without being explosive. It lets you “get it off your chest” so that you are not stuffing it. And there is a good chance that it will hep your situation become better. And although you cannot change a person, direct confrontation might help someone else understand your side better.

But it is very hard to do well, and most people don’t like confrontation, so they hate this choice, even though they know it is a good one. If done poorly, it can also lead to explosive anger. That’s one of the dangers in this option.

Excerpt taken from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management” by Michael Ballard.

October 29, 2016December 4, 2018

Anger Management Option Passive Aggression

Anger Management Option

Expressing passive aggression is an anger management option. This kind of anger is very different. Passive aggression is indirect. You might avoid someone completely. You might talk behind their back. Or you might do something sneaky to get at them in an indirect way. Most counselors and therapists in marriage suggest otherwise.

You don’t want to take part in open aggression, and might even look down on those who do. But you still attack, just not directly at the person.

Maybe you spread gossip or rumors about someone, talk about them behind their back. say something so the person will overhear the comment without directly talking to them.

You might give the silent treatment to punish someone, especially if you think this will bother the other person. You avoid the person, not answering their calls, walking down a different hallway as to not see them, not responding to emails or texts on purpose.

Or you might do something indirect to hurt the person, like boss assigning an employee to an awful client as punishment because the boss is angry. Or baking a cake for someone and putting Ex-lax in the cake.

You may think you are controlling your anger because you are not explosive, but in reality you are creating future problems for yourself and others.

Why do you choose this?

You want to have control but don’t want vulnerability. You may use subtle sabotage to hurt others on purpose.

You might be competitive and out to win, which does not work well in relationships. It is important for you to be in control and be superior and right in almost every circumstance.

Maybe you don’t want to confront someone directly, or you want to punish them and be able to deny that you did anything.

Pros and Cons

Some people like passive aggression because they feel like they are getting people back, or they are just avoiding a situation so they don’t have to deal with it. To some it feels good because it feels like you are punishing someone. And some people have tol me that they think it is fun to be passive aggressive.

But it also has a lot of negative consequences. Passive aggression is a choice, but it will not resolve the issue and will create additional tension and fracture relationships. It is manipulative and immature. And it doesn’t actually solve your problem, it just hurts people. So it is certainly not a good choice for you to take.

Most of us choose one of the first 3 ways when we respond to anger. These are by far the most common and most popular. It’s probably what we aw modeled to us as kids. But anger does not get resolved until it is processed. None of these three ways makes our problem better, and they just make us feel worse in the long run.

If you find yourself using any of these three ways, STOP. You are using your anger to make your problem worse.

Excerpt taken from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management” by Michael Ballard, MA LPC

October 23, 2016December 4, 2018

Anger Management Option Stuffing Anger

Stuffing Anger

An option for dealing with anger is stuffing anger. Instead of outwardly blowing up, you hold your anger in. On the outside you may not look angry, but inside you are boiling, gritting your teeth. The systems can come out in depression or addictions.

You “suck it up” or “hold it in.” You say, “it’s not a big deal.” But it really is.

You may think anger is bad and so you don’t want to look angry. You may be a perfectionist who does not want to appear rattled, and you want to look good in front of others. So you pretend to feel no tension at all, even though it is there.

You might think if you show your anger then you will ruin your reputation and your friendships. You might be black and white in your thinking: all anger is bad so I should never be angry.

Why do we choose this?

Is is very common for people who have problems with explosive anger to become stuffers. They don’t want to be angry, so they hold it in. They may even think they are doing well by doing this, but the are not.

Often we choose to stuff our anger because we have fear from authority figures. You probably saw anger modeled poorly fr you as a child or were trained to think that showing emotion is not normal. Or you may have seen your anger hurt someone so you are trying not to get angry anymore.

You might feel personally defeated, with a “what’s the use” mentality. You think it won’t work, so you don’t want to bring up problems becase they might lead to a fight.

Or maybe you don’t want to show any part of yourself that is not perfect so others would judge you. This is very common in religious circles.

Pros and Cons

If you choose this option, you are not outwardly exploding, so that is good. Andy you don’t have to confront anyone on anything, and most people like that. It may even seem like you are controlling your anger with this choice. This may seem like a good choice because you are not exploding and it seems better from the outside.

But stuffing anger does not eliminate it. It is not a good long-term choice. It is mold growing in the basement. You can’t see it, but it is hurting you. Often, stuffing anger leads to explosive anger later when you can no longer hold it inside. It may also lead to depression and frustration because you feel like you are being walked on. Stuffing your anger is a choice, but not a good one.

October 16, 2016December 4, 2018

Anger Management Options: Explosive Anger

This is what we usually think about when we think about anger. This is someone fighting physically or verbally. Yelling, screaming, swearing, snapping. Hitting, throwing, kicking, breaking objects. Intimidation, rage, blame, explosiveness. Bickering, criticism, griping. Explosive anger is usually what it looks like when you lose your temper.

This is a choice, but it’s not aver good one. It does not resolve our problem and usually makes it much worse. Many people describe explosive anger a “a monster taking over” or “it felt like someone else was doing it.”

Why do we choose this?

The main reason why people get explosive is simple. They want to be heard.

They usually try and communicate something, and the other person either doesn’t agree, doesn’t understand, or isn’t listening. So they get louder and more explosive to make their point.

They really want to be heard, so they raise their voice, slam their fist, or break something. The underlying message here is “pay attention to me!”

They take the normal desire: “pay attention to my needs!” and push it to an extreme. They want someone to notice them and their needs. This is often linked with unhealthy dependence on others, that others must do things a certain way or they will snap.

Sometimes small things bother these people. They are always tense because they are trying to sole all of the problems they have.

People who struggle with explosive anger must learn to live with some problems and accept imperfections in the world without trying to erase them all. They must understand their own limits in forcing other people to be what they want them to be.

Pros and Cons

For many people, explosive anger feels good, at least in the short term. You feel powerful and in control and you let the tension out of your body. It may seem like others listen to you better and you are more of an authority.

You can choose explosive anger, but it is a poor choice. It has may consequences, as we’ve discussed previously. If you choose explosive anger, you are also choosing a host of negative consequences that go along with it. These consequences might be physical, legal or relational. To continue with this choice will cause tension, suffering and ruin your relationships. And this choice could also land you in jail.

If you are struggling with anger and rage, we have a anger management counseling program that teaches skills and provides tools to help better manage anger in healthy ways. Call us at 303-933-5800 or fill out the contact form. A counselor will contact you within 24-hours.

Excerpts taken from “Take Control of Your Anger: A step-by-step guide to anger management” by Michael Ballard, MA, LPC