Anger Management Options

Up to this point, you have learned how to acknowledge your anger, stop your immediate response, calm yourself down, and evaluate your situations. You have thought through your anger rationally, and after evaluating your situation, you have a good picture of what is going on and why you are upset. You are understanding that you have anger management options.

The next step is for you to figure out what you are going to do about it. You have to consider your choices and figure things to do. The fifth step in the ASCEND method is: Navigate your options.

Anger Awareness
Stop your immediate response
Calm yourself down
Evaluate your situation
Navigate your options
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You know what your problem is, so what are you going to do about it? You know you need to act. But before act, you need to think through what you are going to do. Just like dealing with marriage conflict and relationship issues, you will learn healthy options to deal with your anger.

Options When You Are Angry

When ever you get angry, you have six options for how you can respond.

1) Explosive Anger
2) Stuffing Anger
3) Passive Aggression
4) Direct Confrontation
5) Dropping Anger
6) Decisive Action

Any time you are angry about anything you respond by choosing one of these six options. There is no perfect option. They all have pros and cons. But there is a catch: you have to live with the consequences of whatever choice you make. In this anger management blog, we will review the pros and cons of each of the six options of management your anger. Please return to this anger management blog to read each option and learn about better ways to manage it.

Excerpt taken from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management” by Michael Ballard, MA, LPC

Practice Empathy

Thankfully, the cure to selfish anger is a simple one. Empathy.

The ultimate solution is fixing your selfish anger is to see your problem from the other person’s shoes. If you can learn how to do this, then most of the time it will radically change how you view your anger.

If you can truly “walk a mile in their shoes” and see their point of view, it will change the way you see your situation.

If you can stop and think:

Ok. I know I am mad about _____ because I cam to the conclusion that this was unfair. That’s why I am upset.

But….if I think about it from the other person’s  perspective, I can see why they are mad too. They are mad because they think ______ is unfair. They think that is not right. I may not agree with them, but at least now I can see if from their view.

Learning to see something from someone else’s shoes might just be the most important skill in learning to control your anger. If you can do this, then your odds of getting your anger under control are MUCH greater.

It is impossible to have selfish anger if you are looking at the situation from someone else’s point of view.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and attempt to see why they did what they did. What need were they trying to meet in doing what they did? What was driving them to do that?

• She was in a hurry beaus she had that thing to get to
• She’s still upset with me over the last thing so she said that to try and hurt me
• She wants to protect her career; and so that is way she is acting that way
• Maybe she is having a hard tie at home right now and taking it out on me

You also want to ask yourself the question, “do I ever do that?” Most of the time the answer to this is yes, and that helps you understand their position better.

Last week I was mad at a friend. We had been [planning to meet up for months and then he said he couldn’t because of work. When I asked him about it he said, “I forgot and traded shifts with someone.” Then I thought, “Have I ever made a mistake and messed up my schedule?”

When i realized that I have done the same thing it helped me to not be as angry with him for his actions.

Practicing empathy is possibly the hardest step, and also likely the most important one to truly master your anger.

People who have strong powers of empathy rarely get angry. And conversely, people with serious anger problems usually have very little capacity for empathy.

Practicing empathy does not mean that you are excusing others for their behavior or that you are letting them off the hook. It is just the process of learning to see what happened from their perspective–to “walk a mile in their shoes.”

The more you can learn to practice empathy, you will see your entire situation in a different light, and the better you will become at managing your anger.

Excerpt taken from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

Consider Your Expectations

Sometimes we become very upset over things that are really more about our expectations than anything else. This usually happens when we are asking too much of someone else (or of ourselves). This is especially true of people who are perfectionists.

Expectations for Yourself

I once worked with a professional golfer who was exceptionally gifted. Because of this he expected perfection every time he played. Unfortunately, anyone who has ever played golf knows this is not a reality. So when he made a mistake (and no matter how good you are, you will) he would lose his temper. His expectations for himself were perfection, and anything short of that was unacceptable in his eyes. So when a shot went into a sand trap, he lost his cool.

I’ve also worked with students who had 4.0 GPAs who would become furious with themselves if they earned anything less than perfect grades. When they made mistakes they would beat themselves up because their expectations for themselves were too high. If your expectations for yourself are unrealistically high, you will find yourself angry very often, because life is not perfect.

I hate to break it to you, but you are not perfect. You make mistakes. And the sooner you admit it the better as far as your anger is concerned. If your expectations for yourself are too high, you will frequently find yourself angry.

Expectations for Others

This is also true if your expectations for others are unrealistic. You might get upset at the way someone drives, annoyed at the way your spouse folds the laundry, angry with a coworker who is not working fast enough, or frustrated at the way someone chooses to do a task.

These are not real wrongs. The problem here is unrealistic expectations, and holding standards that are just too high. When our standards are very high and someone falls short, we get angry because they didn’t do it the way we wanted them to. But that says more about us than it does about them.

I once worked with a wife who became very angry with her husband because he did not read her mind and do exactly what she wanted. She told me, “We’ve married so long that he should be able to know what I think and do it without me saying it.” Unfortunately for her, he didn’t. So she was frequently mad at him because her expectations were just too high.

Are your expectations too high? consider how you would respond to the following events:

• Your spouse leaves clothes on the floor.
• You made a mistake at your job.
• Your kid gets B’s in school.
• You forgot to pick up the dry cleaning.
• An employee shows up late to work.
• You forgot to pay a bill.
• Your cleaning person didn’t put the dishes away.
• You give a presentation that doesn’t go as well as you had hoped.
• You get frustrated at an employee because he is working too slowly.

Would you get upset about these items? Would you get angry if they happen to you? Because there is nothing immoral or unethical on this list. These are not real wrongs. If you answered yet to several of them, you need to consider if your expectations are unreasonable.

To make matters worse, we we often have a nasty habit of turning these personal preferences into rules for other people. When we do this we use works like “should,” “have to,” and “ought to.” We take our own values and desires and put them on someone else. We try to control other epoel and what they do, think, and say.

We start to think about how other people should or should not behave. We create rules about how people around us should respond, such as “a friend should call you back within an hour,” or “my husband should know to buy me flowers without me having to ask.” When those around us break our rules, we get angry and punish them.

For some people it is entitlement, or the belief that bad things shouldn’t happen to me. For others it is perfectionism, or the thought that, “this is the right way to do it. You have to do it this way.” But the result is the same. If someone does not follow our rules we get upset.

I once heard a wife tell her husband, “This is the right way to pack a suitcase. You’d have to be an idiot to do it any other way.” The husband then responded, “You are wrong. This is how it has to be. Any other way is stupid.”

Both the husband and the wife were angry. They had personal preferences for how a suitcase should be packed and then turned their own personal preferences into absolute rules for the other person. By doing so they were being selfish, and this caused more anger and more fights for them.

And in the end, does it really matter how you pack a suitcase? Is that really a flight you want to have?

But often we try to control other people to make them do things the way we want them to. And this almost always leads to problems. Trying to change someone else (or waiting for them to change) is just not going to work.

The hard truth is that you can’t change any other person in this world other than yourself.

It is important to understand that there are limits to what you can control. You have to control what you can control. And getting someone else to change is NOT an option, because it is not something that you can control. You can’t change another person. That’s not possible. You only have control of your own actions.

You can threaten a person. You can argue with a person. You can give a convincing logical presentation to a person. You can bribe a person. You can make them a PowerPoint presentation. You can hold a gun up to a person’s head. But no matter what you try, you do not have the power to control another person. You cannot make another person do anything. You just can’t.

And what happens is two things. If you try to control someone you get upset because they are not doing what you want them to do. They are not following your rules. And meanwhile, they are getting upset because they don’t like being bossed around or told what to do. Is is a poison.

If I wanted to ruin a relationship I would tell both people to try and control the other as much as possible. That would do it. If you are demanding and creating selfish rules for how someone else must act. It will do two things. It will make you angry. And it will also make them angry. You can bet on it.

The sooner you focus on what you can control (your own actions) and stop focusing on what you can’t (someone else’s actions) the better things will go for you.

 

To start the process of learning how to think through your anger, you need to first understand why you get angry. When I ask most people why the get angry, I hear responses like:

 

 

 

• My husband never appreciates me
• My wife always criticizes me
• My kids don’t listen to me
• My boss is a jerk
• Drivers in this town can’t drive
• People are rude to me and don’t give me respect

Some of these might sound familiar.  Or maybe you have others on your list.

But no matter what makes us mad, we usually think of it like this: Someone did something and that made me mad.

But that’s not exactly right. There’s more to it than that.

You see, something did happen, and that is the first step in our anger. That’s called our trigger situation. But that’s not the complete picture. There is another step that we usually skip over.

A Common Misconception

This brings me to tan important point that most people get confused. Situations, people, and things do not make you mad.

We do not get angry because bad things happen to us. We don’t get angry because of people, things, or situations. People (like your wife), things (like your computer) or situations (like waiting in line) do not make you angry.

hat we think about situations, people, and things make us mad. We get angry because of the way we are thinking about these people, things or situations. We get angry because of how we interpret these events, view these events, and evaluate these events. That’s why we get angry.

I happens like this:

1. Something happens (trigger situation)
2. I think about it in a certain way (trigger thought)

Andy the way I think about it determines if I get angry or not.

Excerpt take from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

Five Ways To Happier Life

The small things make the difference in the long run. Here are 5 EASY tips anyone can do in order to make you look, and more importantly, FEEL better. How do you stay happy during the day? There ways you can purposely work on staying happy. In this post I want to show you ways that are researched proven. If you these action items, you will be going in the right direction toward being happier in your life.

 

1. Drink more water. Dehydration leads to fatigue, bad moods, headaches, poor digestion, wrinkly skin, and more. You will feel better about how you look and have more energy throughout the day.
2. Take breaks to stretch during your day. Not a yogi? That’s okay! Getting up and stretching provides energy, promotes circulation, decreases chances of injury, and just makes you feel better. It lets you take inventory of how your body is feeling.
3. Make your bed. I know, I know, I hate doing it too. But it’s true that getting up and accomplishing one small thing in the first 5 minutes of your day makes you more apt to continue the pattern throughout your day.
4. Find things to smile about. Make an effort daily to find the good in life. The most beautiful people are not the most perfect, but the ones who can laugh at themselves and find humor in small things.
5. Stop saying “yes” when you mean “no.” This one’s a little trickier to put into place. When we do this, we’re skirting around the issue now, but it WILL come up again later. Learning to be assertive and upfront will save us hours of emotional agony later on.
6. Exercise.  Exercising releases the good mood endorphins so that you are always in a better mood after a workout or simply a walk to the supermarket.  Research has shown that exercising daily reduces depression and anxiety.
7. Make a gratitude list every morning.  This is a list of things you are thankful for in your life.  Depression can come from distorted beliefs about your life and finding gratitude in what you have rather than focusing on what you don’t have can bring about a change in your mood.  So daily, begin by writing down 3 things you that you are thankful for.
8. Practice being mindful and present.  This simply means to focus and pay attention to the present moment and accept it without judgement.  This has been proven to reduce stress, improve mood, and change for the better one’s quality of life.  Being present means enjoying and savoring all your senses: touch, smell, taste, sight, and sounds.  Focus not on the past or on the future.  Just stay mindful of the here and now.

Just a few ideas on purposeful actions that can change your mood and bring more joy.  Remember, being happy is a choice and research has found that happy people make the choice to be happy.  So I challenge you today to to live the joyful life that you can; filled to the brim with laughter and smiles.  My hope is that the above 8 tips will help you develop a more positive outlook on your life!

Evaluation Your Angry Situation

You have now learned to gain anger awareness, stop your immediate response, and calm yourself down. If you have done these steps correctly, by this point you should be in a position where your head is calm and you are ready to think. Before you take action, it is important to think through your anger and evaluate your current situation. Once you are calm you need to ask the questions, “What is going on here? Why am I mad about this?”

 

The next step will help with this. The fourth step in the ASCEND method is: Evaluate your situation.

Anger awareness
Stop your immediate response
Calm yourself down
Evaluate your situation
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This step is so important that we will take three lessons to learn it well.

That’s because the sad truth is that you can succeed at all of the earlier steps–acknowledging your anger, stopping your immediate response, and even calming yourself down–and still make your anger worse if you don’t understand how to evaluate your situation the right way.

Imagine you are in a heated argument with a friend. You are starting to get upset, but have learned the earlier steps, so before it gets too bad you acknowledge that your anger is building. You stop your immediate response and keep yourself from making your problem worse. You walk into another room and the use some tools to calm yourself down.

So far you have done everything right. But instead of calming down, you might actually get angrier. You start to runinate on what just happened. You stew. Inside, you start to boil over your situation. You think in your mind, “I can’t believe my friend just said that. He had no right to say that. Who does he think he is? I’m not going to take that from him.”

Now, even though you’ve done the first five steps correctly, because your thinking is out of whack you are actually getting angrier than you were a few minutes ago! Your angry thoughts have made your station worse.

Sound familiar? Have you ever done that? Have you found yourself stewing over a problem and made your anger worse?  In my next post, I will review the question, “Why Am I Angry?”

Excerpt take from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

Positive Coping of Anger: Calm Self

At this point you have learned several tools that will help you calm yourself down when you are upset. However, I should say a word of warning here. Many people try these tools one time and conclude they don’t work. I hear things like, “I did the breathing once and it didn’t work. Nothing works for me.” Don’t give up that easily. Learning anything new is going to take practice.

And the real truth is that is doesn’t matter what you do for positive coping, as long as you are calming yourself down. I’ve had clients play guitar, work on model railroads, read a book pray, paint, do pottery–whatever calms you down. The goal is to bring your tension level down fast so that you can think. How you do that is up to you.

Obviously, if you catch your anger early it is easier to calm yourself down. If you catch your anger at a low level you will probably not even need all of these tools. But the longer you wait before you start to use these tools, the less effective they will be. If yo start using a tool when you are at a 9, it will be much, much harder (and take more time) for you to calm down.

It is also important to note that different tools vary in their effectiveness at different levels. You might find that for you controlled breathing works great when you are at a 4, but does nothing at a 9. You may see that muscle relaxation is great at a 7 but doesn’t do much for you at a 2. The key here is the increase your toolbox by adding more tools to calm yourself down, and then figuring out when to use each tool. The answer is not to just do breathing at every step. And this is different for every person. So you need to find the tools that work for you, and figure out when they work.

The goal of these tools is to calm you down in the moment so that your IQ starts rising again and you can respond i n a productive way. When I notice that I am getting angry I often take a quick minute and walk into another room. I might take a deep breath or splash some water on my face. Then I return. And 99% of the time, no one even noticed that I was gone. If you catch it early, it can be like this for you too.

It’s important to note that these tools do not solve your anger. They are a piece of the puzzle. They are short-term answers. They do not deal with what is going on underneath. The don’t deal with what is wrong, and they don’t help you make a situation better. The are not enough on their own. But they are part of the process and they can help you in the moment, which is valuable.

When you learn to use these tools effectively, you can calm yourself down and that will put you in a position where you can think rationally and clearly about your situation. That is a much better place to be than to be raging and screaming, don’ you think?

Positive Ways To Cope: Exercise

Exercise is also an option for positively coping with anger.  Although not always practical in the moment, if you find that you have tried the other tools and you are still angry, you can use exercise to help. It may help to go for a walk around the block or to do some other form of exercise. For me, whenever I get frustrated, the world certainly seems a lot better after a good, long run.

I should say a word here about punching bags. I have had many clients use punching bags to deal with their anger. There are pros and cons to this. using a punching bag can be a form of venting which really doesn’t help. For instance, if you are imagining your boss and punching like a madman, that’s not a great strategy. But as regular exercise using a punching bag can be great.

I once worked with a professional boxer. He used a punching bag every day and it helped him tremendously with his anger. He also recognized that he should not use it in the moment when he was really angry because there was a great chance of injury to himself. he also shared with our group that his favorite opponents to fight were guys who came to the gym angry.  They were out of control and wild, which made them easy to defeat.

There is a fine line with punching bags, so I would suggest caution. It would never be my first line of defense and I wouldn’t use one in my own home. But it may be a good tool for some. Just be careful how you use it.

Healthy, regular exercise is also one of the best ways to let out tension from your body. Exercise helps your blood to flow and get rid of some of the tension inside.

As a regular form of prevention, exercise is one of the best strategies for yo if you ant to learn to control your anger. Go for a run, take a walk, lift some weights, do some push ups or sit ups. Exercise can help you release the tension that is in your body, and can have some very positive results.

Exercise is often something we know we should do, but don’t. But if you have an anger problem that means that you have stress in your body, and one of the best ways to deal with it is to get some exercise.

Excerpt take from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC