Positive Anger Management Coping: Distraction

After you have practiced a couple cycles of breathing you should start feeling better.  If you find that you are still upset, distraction is a good technique. The purpose of distraction is to take your mind off of the present topic and to think about something else other than the situation.  When you are very angry, if is important to distract yourself from what is going on.

Focus your mind on something else than what is going on right in front of you. Do not think about the problem or ruminate on it–especially at first. Since you are not thinking clearly you will probably get upset and make your situation worse if you do.

Counting is a common tool for distraction.  It slows you down and gets you out of your immediate response. That’s why so many people say when you are angry you should count to 10. Counting backwards is harder, which makes you think, which helps you distract from the situation. It also buys you time, which also helps. When I am upset I try to do more advanced math so I have to think about it. I start with the number 100. Then I subtract 7 and work backwards.  100…93…86…and so on. I have to think about these numbers, so it takes my mind off of my situation.

For some people visualization helps. You might try to picture a specific, calm place and focus and think about the details of it. If you are practicing visualization use all your focus senses to the best of your abilities. Imagine the sounds, the smells, the textures of the place. The most vividly you visualize the better it works. Others squeeze a stress ball and focus on the squeezing, the physical act of what you are doing. This helps take your focus off of your immediate situation.

Some people like to play music or do a household chore that will take their attention off of whatever was going on. I like to do something physical, like pulling weeds. It helps give me space and time and slow everything down.

Distraction is often an important step after breathing to help you bring your body level back down to a less tensed state. Of course, the danger of distraction is that it can lead to avoidance. The idea is not to distract forever. We are not avoiding the problem here. We are just distracting ourselves fro a moment so we can calm down and address the problem with our full IQ.

Excerpt take from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

At this point you should have taken space and given yourself some time.  So you have a quiet place to yourself.  The next step is to practice deep, controlled breathing.

This exercise will help you learn a new way to calm down and control your nervous, stressed, and anxious feelings and help eliminate some of the tension from your body.

Deep breathing gets oxygen to your body and slows you down.  This helps to calm you down and put you in a position where you can think. Research has sown that this exercise can have dramatic effects in helping people calm down and release tension. When you learn to control your breathing, you’ll find that it is much easier to control your emotions. It’s also something you can do anytime and anywhere.

Researchers have proven that deep breathing is extremely effective at releasing the tension in your body when you feel your anger rising and your physical cues start to kick in (usually around a 5 or a 6).

Most of the time when you are stressed you breathe short, fast, shallow breaths from your chest. This increases your pulse and the tension in your body and makes it harder to control your emotions. The point of controlled breathing is to do the opposite: slow everything down with long, slow, deep breaths.

How to do it

To start the exercise, get in a comfortable seated position. Sit in a chair in a way that seems relaxing to you.  Now, put your left hand directly above your navel, and your right hand on your chest.

Now concentrate on your breathing. When you breathe in, the hand on your stomach should move up and out, and when you breathe out it should move down. The hand on your chest should stay still and not move the whole time. If you can move our stomach without moving your chest that means you are breathing correctly.

Once you have the form down, try this simple exercise. It is called breathing by fours. You breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, out for four counts, and then rest for four counts.

Once you have this new method down, add another element to keep your thoughts and mind calm as you are breathing. Keep breathing like you are, but each time you breathe out, say the ‘Calm’ to yourself. Concentrate on the word calm. If you have other thoughts pop into your head besides ‘calm,’ try to picture them floating away with your breath as you exhale. Only focus on the word calm.

Continue to practice controlled breathing: breathing out moving your stomach, counting to four, and focusing on the world “calm.” Practice this exercise every morning when you wake up and every night before you go to sleep for at least five minutes.  Practice when you are not upset, so that you will know what to do and it will come naturally to you when you do become upset.

Excerpt take from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

Time helps you cool down and think more clearly.  When used well, time helps us raise our IQ back to normal.

To use time properly, take a few minutes away from whatever is going on.  Take some physical space, and then give yourself the time you need to calm yourself down before you reengage.  Don’t act right away when you are angry.  That’s the wrong time to make a decision.

Of course, time does not mean forever.  don’t run away from the problem or disappear for a couple days.  If you are angry, don’t act then, but don’t stuff your anger either.  Take some time (usually 10 minutes to an hour–depending on how early you catch it) and then address it.  Don’t hold on to the problem.

Of course, if you are at a 9 it is gong to take you more time to calm down than if you are at a 2.  That’s another benefit to catching your anger early.

Excerpt take from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

To calm yourself down, you will need to learn some positive ways to teach your body to calm down when you are upset.  The first rule of positive coping is: don’t hold it in.  Avoidance is a negative coping strategy, and so dealing with your anger is important.  it’s normal to fee sadness, anxiety, anger or a mix of emotions when you are upset.  It’s important not to hold it in.  Deal with it.

These tools, when used correctly, will help you do just that.  They can help you know what to do when you are stressed and angry.  They ar more difficult than negative coping, but they work in the short term and the long-term.

These are five tools that research has show works in reducing anger.  Learn these five tools well:

1. Space
2. Time
3. Breathing
4. Distraction
5. Muscle Relaxation

Space

The best way to start your calming down is to take some space so that you can refocus.  If you are with someone and you are getting angry, remove yourself from that person.  Separate.

Don’t put yourself in tight quarters with someone who is setting you off.  Get some air.  Get some space alone, away from others.  Go into another room.  If that doesn’t work, walk out of the house and get some space so that you can think.  If you need to walk around the block, that is better than staying in a room and having your stress grow.

Unfortunately, we often get this wrong.  We walk up to them and get in their face.  We get closer.  But this is the opposite of what you want to do, and this will only make your situation worse.

If you are arguing with someone, do not follow them around. This will make your problem worse. You are removing space, and space is your friend. If you are arguing with someone, do not get in their face. If you do this you are also removing space and raising the odds that yo will have a bigger problem.

Taking space the first step to calming yourself down.

One disclaimer here–I once had a client get in a fight with his wife, so he took off and went to a bar.  He later told his wife that his counselor told him he needed to “take some space” when he was angry so it was my fault.  Taking space is good, but let’s be a little smarter about how we do it.

Excerpt take from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

Avoidance is another very popular negative coping strategy.  The basic idea is that when a problem happens you pretend like it didn’t.  You move on. You sweep it under the rug.  You ignore it.

Some people avoid by staying really busy.  If you stay busy enough then you don’t have to think about it and then you don’t have to deal with the problem.  Men are especially well known for working extra hours at work when they are angry.  If you can stay busy, you don’t have to deal with whatever is making you angry.

And conflict is messy.  It’s not fun.  if you try and talk it out maybe it won’t go well.  Maybe the other person won’t take it well.  Maybe you will blow up and make the situation worse.

So instead of dealing with it, you just avoid it.  It works in the short term.  But when you do, you create a bigger problem for yourself.  Yes, it feels better today because you don’t have to deal with it.  But it creates two major problems for you.

First of all, avoiding your problem creates tension and stress under the surface.  It often makes it hard for you to sleep and shortens your fuse. Secondly, by not dealing with your problem you are allowing the problem to continue, and in most cases grow.  So instead of dealing with a small problem, you now have a bigger problem on your hands.  If you have a problem, coping with it by avoiding is not a great answer.  If you notice that you are using drugs and alcohol, venting, or avoidance for negativing coping, kn ow that you will succeed in the short term.  But you will fail miserably in the long term.  Don’t rely on drugs and alcohol to cope.  Don’t vent and let your anger out.  And don’t avoid your problem.

Excerpts taken from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management” by Michael Ballard, MA, LPC

We get angry when we come to the conclusion that something is wrong.  It happens like this:

1. Something happens (trigger situation)
2. I think about it in a certain way (trigger thought)
3. I conclude that there is an injustice (something is not fair or wrong)
4. Because of this injustice I feel victimized (taken advantage of, devalued, or not heard)
5. When I feel this way I get angry.

But how do I know if my conclusion is correct?  Just because I conclude that there is an injustice doesn’t actually mean that there is one.  Just beause I think I have been wronged doesn’t mean that I actually have.  I have worked with clients who were furious about something that wasn’t an injustice, and others that were not upset when there really was an injustice.

Sometimes there is a legitimate wrong.  But other times, it is just the way that I am looking at it.  And if is important to handle the situation different depending on if there is a real wrong or not.

Obviously, this is a ver important distinction to make when evaluating your situation and thinking through your anger.

Take care of yourself emotionally.  If you are in a good emotional state you will be less likely to get angry.  If you are emotionally bankrupt just about anything will set you off.

Some ways to improve your emotional health:

• Cultivate emotional supports
• Spend time serving others
• Rest
• Laugh
• Create healthy personal boundaries for yourself
• Picture a better future
• Get a pet
• Practice saying “thank you”