Sometimes we become very upset over things that are really more about our expectations than anything else. This usually happens when we are asking too much of someone else (or of ourselves). This is especially true of people who are perfectionists.
Expectations for Yourself
I once worked with a professional golfer who was exceptionally gifted. Because of this he expected perfection every time he played. Unfortunately, anyone who has ever played golf knows this is not a reality. So when he made a mistake (and no matter how good you are, you will) he would lose his temper. His expectations for himself were perfection, and anything short of that was unacceptable in his eyes. So when a shot went into a sand trap, he lost his cool.
I’ve also worked with students who had 4.0 GPAs who would become furious with themselves if they earned anything less than perfect grades. When they made mistakes they would beat themselves up because their expectations for themselves were too high. If your expectations for yourself are unrealistically high, you will find yourself angry very often, because life is not perfect.
I hate to break it to you, but you are not perfect. You make mistakes. And the sooner you admit it the better as far as your anger is concerned. If your expectations for yourself are too high, you will frequently find yourself angry.
Expectations for Others
This is also true if your expectations for others are unrealistic. You might get upset at the way someone drives, annoyed at the way your spouse folds the laundry, angry with a coworker who is not working fast enough, or frustrated at the way someone chooses to do a task.
These are not real wrongs. The problem here is unrealistic expectations, and holding standards that are just too high. When our standards are very high and someone falls short, we get angry because they didn’t do it the way we wanted them to. But that says more about us than it does about them.
I once worked with a wife who became very angry with her husband because he did not read her mind and do exactly what she wanted. She told me, “We’ve married so long that he should be able to know what I think and do it without me saying it.” Unfortunately for her, he didn’t. So she was frequently mad at him because her expectations were just too high.
Are your expectations too high? consider how you would respond to the following events:
- Your spouse leaves clothes on the floor.
- You made a mistake at your job.
- Your kid gets B’s in school.
- You forgot to pick up the dry cleaning.
- An employee shows up late to work.
- You forgot to pay a bill.
- Your cleaning person didn’t put the dishes away.
- You give a presentation that doesn’t go as well as you had hoped.
- You get frustrated at an employee because he is working too slowly.
Would you get upset about these items? Would you get angry if they happen to you? Because there is nothing immoral or unethical on this list. These are not real wrongs. If you answered yet to several of them, you need to consider if your expectations are unreasonable.