Not mean and firm. Not verbal abuse. Not kind and soft. Not mean and soft. King and firm. The key to a healthy confrontation is that it is BOTH kind and firm. Relationship therapists use tools for healthy confrontation all the time.
The following guidelines will give you some tools to help your confrontation be both KIND and FIRM.
Before the Confrontation
It is often a good idea to set up some ground rules of how your confrontations will work before they happen. You want to do this when both of you are calm, and when there is not a current issue that you have to deal with.
Some good ground rules:
- Practice confrontation in person. Do not confront over email or text.
- Emails can often be misinterpreted. Someone will read too much into your words and over-analyze them. Sometimes people will be bolder in email and say something hurtful that they would not say face to face. They are also a permanent written account of what you said, which could be used against you in discussions or even in court. If you are arguing over texts you will likely reply too quickly before thinking through what you want to say, and make your problems larger. Plus, it is much, much harder to carefully form your thoughts on texts. Face-to-face confrontations, with minimal distractions are by far the best.
- Agree to confront at a good time for both of you.
- Don’t try to have a serious confrontation right before bed when both of you are tired. Don’t have a serious confrontation when you are drinking alcohol. Don’t try to do this when the kids are around or while you are cooking dinner or doing something else that will take your attention away.
- Never confront when you are angry.
- If you are angry, then you are unwise and you will say the wrong thing and make it worse. You might feel better in the short term, but your problem just got worse.
- Never confront when the other person is angry.
- If they are mad then they are unwise and they will not be able to listen to you. When we are angry our ears are small. So don’t try to have a discussion with an angry person. When we are upset these arguments are not going to go well. Wait until you have a calmer head to bring up the matter. Your problem almost never has to be discussed in that instant.
- Agree that verbal or physical explosions are never appropriate.
- Agree that when ever either of you begins to explode, the other will walk out of the room, and if followed, out of the house. If someone walks out because you are exploding, do not follow them! Let them go. If followed, the other will walk around the block and not respond until the partner stops following.
- Agree to seek a resolution.
- To the point of a confrontation is not to win. Often people get in fights with the idea that they need to prove that they are right. This is the wrong idea, and will lead to future problems. The point of a healthy confrontation is to deal with problems. The point of a healthy confrontation is to deal with problem and resolve it. You want to make the situation better. Period.
- Work together as a team to attack an issue, not a person.
- Make sure that it is clear that you are working TOGETHER to solve a problem, not attacking a person. A therapist friend of mine has couples sit next to each other when they fight, like sitting on a bench. He wants them to envision the problem “out there” that they are fighting against instead of the problem being the other person.
- Pick one problem to confront.
- When people argue they often bring up other problems or issues from the past and everything goes in circles and gets nowhere. Just deal with one problem at a time. Pick the one issue you want to bring up. If you have more than one issue, the other will have to wait for another time. Stick to one problem per conversation. Then the argument won’t last as long and there is a good chance that it will be successful, which will encourage you in our future conversations.
- Prepare for what you will say.
- Don’t just blindly go into a conversation and say whatever is on your mind. Thing about how you want to say it first. Some people like to practice and write out the confrontation before they actually say it. This practice can make a big difference.
- Request a conversation.
- Now that you are ready, request (not demand) a conversation. This is called conversation before the conversation.
- “I have something that is bothering me. Can I talk with you about it?”
- “I need to talk with you about something. Can we do it now, or would it be better to do it later?”
- “Do you have a minute to talk?”
- This prepares the other person for the conversation so it doesn’t come out of nowhere. It also helps you maintain a calm head going int the conversation. It also gives the other person choice, which gives them some power and keeps them from getting defensive. It’s important to note that this is not a demand, but a request. If you are going to use this, you have to be OK with them saying that now is not a good time. if the other person can’t do it right then, make sure you set a time to do it. Don’t let it slip through the cracks. The confrontation doesn’t have to be right then, but does need to happen.