Practice Empathy

Thankfully, the cure to selfish anger is a simple one. Empathy.

The ultimate solution is fixing your selfish anger is to see your problem from the other person’s shoes. If you can learn how to do this, then most of the time it will radically change how you view your anger.

If you can truly “walk a mile in their shoes” and see their point of view, it will change the way you see your situation.

If you can stop and think:

Ok. I know I am mad about _____ because I cam to the conclusion that this was unfair. That’s why I am upset.

But….if I think about it from the other person’s  perspective, I can see why they are mad too. They are mad because they think ______ is unfair. They think that is not right. I may not agree with them, but at least now I can see if from their view.

Learning to see something from someone else’s shoes might just be the most important skill in learning to control your anger. If you can do this, then your odds of getting your anger under control are MUCH greater.

It is impossible to have selfish anger if you are looking at the situation from someone else’s point of view.

Put yourself in the other person’s shoes and attempt to see why they did what they did. What need were they trying to meet in doing what they did? What was driving them to do that?

• She was in a hurry beaus she had that thing to get to
• She’s still upset with me over the last thing so she said that to try and hurt me
• She wants to protect her career; and so that is way she is acting that way
• Maybe she is having a hard tie at home right now and taking it out on me

You also want to ask yourself the question, “do I ever do that?” Most of the time the answer to this is yes, and that helps you understand their position better.

Last week I was mad at a friend. We had been [planning to meet up for months and then he said he couldn’t because of work. When I asked him about it he said, “I forgot and traded shifts with someone.” Then I thought, “Have I ever made a mistake and messed up my schedule?”

When i realized that I have done the same thing it helped me to not be as angry with him for his actions.

Practicing empathy is possibly the hardest step, and also likely the most important one to truly master your anger.

People who have strong powers of empathy rarely get angry. And conversely, people with serious anger problems usually have very little capacity for empathy.

Practicing empathy does not mean that you are excusing others for their behavior or that you are letting them off the hook. It is just the process of learning to see what happened from their perspective–to “walk a mile in their shoes.”

The more you can learn to practice empathy, you will see your entire situation in a different light, and the better you will become at managing your anger.

Excerpt taken from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC