Evaluation Your Angry Situation

You have now learned to gain anger awareness, stop your immediate response, and calm yourself down. If you have done these steps correctly, by this point you should be in a position where your head is calm and you are ready to think. Before you take action, it is important to think through your anger and evaluate your current situation. Once you are calm you need to ask the questions, “What is going on here? Why am I mad about this?”

 

The next step will help with this. The fourth step in the ASCEND method is: Evaluate your situation.

Anger awareness
Stop your immediate response
Calm yourself down
Evaluate your situation
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This step is so important that we will take three lessons to learn it well.

That’s because the sad truth is that you can succeed at all of the earlier steps–acknowledging your anger, stopping your immediate response, and even calming yourself down–and still make your anger worse if you don’t understand how to evaluate your situation the right way.

Imagine you are in a heated argument with a friend. You are starting to get upset, but have learned the earlier steps, so before it gets too bad you acknowledge that your anger is building. You stop your immediate response and keep yourself from making your problem worse. You walk into another room and the use some tools to calm yourself down.

So far you have done everything right. But instead of calming down, you might actually get angrier. You start to runinate on what just happened. You stew. Inside, you start to boil over your situation. You think in your mind, “I can’t believe my friend just said that. He had no right to say that. Who does he think he is? I’m not going to take that from him.”

Now, even though you’ve done the first five steps correctly, because your thinking is out of whack you are actually getting angrier than you were a few minutes ago! Your angry thoughts have made your station worse.

Sound familiar? Have you ever done that? Have you found yourself stewing over a problem and made your anger worse?  In my next post, I will review the question, “Why Am I Angry?”

Excerpt take from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

Positive Coping of Anger: Calm Self

At this point you have learned several tools that will help you calm yourself down when you are upset. However, I should say a word of warning here. Many people try these tools one time and conclude they don’t work. I hear things like, “I did the breathing once and it didn’t work. Nothing works for me.” Don’t give up that easily. Learning anything new is going to take practice.

And the real truth is that is doesn’t matter what you do for positive coping, as long as you are calming yourself down. I’ve had clients play guitar, work on model railroads, read a book pray, paint, do pottery–whatever calms you down. The goal is to bring your tension level down fast so that you can think. How you do that is up to you.

Obviously, if you catch your anger early it is easier to calm yourself down. If you catch your anger at a low level you will probably not even need all of these tools. But the longer you wait before you start to use these tools, the less effective they will be. If yo start using a tool when you are at a 9, it will be much, much harder (and take more time) for you to calm down.

It is also important to note that different tools vary in their effectiveness at different levels. You might find that for you controlled breathing works great when you are at a 4, but does nothing at a 9. You may see that muscle relaxation is great at a 7 but doesn’t do much for you at a 2. The key here is the increase your toolbox by adding more tools to calm yourself down, and then figuring out when to use each tool. The answer is not to just do breathing at every step. And this is different for every person. So you need to find the tools that work for you, and figure out when they work.

The goal of these tools is to calm you down in the moment so that your IQ starts rising again and you can respond i n a productive way. When I notice that I am getting angry I often take a quick minute and walk into another room. I might take a deep breath or splash some water on my face. Then I return. And 99% of the time, no one even noticed that I was gone. If you catch it early, it can be like this for you too.

It’s important to note that these tools do not solve your anger. They are a piece of the puzzle. They are short-term answers. They do not deal with what is going on underneath. The don’t deal with what is wrong, and they don’t help you make a situation better. The are not enough on their own. But they are part of the process and they can help you in the moment, which is valuable.

When you learn to use these tools effectively, you can calm yourself down and that will put you in a position where you can think rationally and clearly about your situation. That is a much better place to be than to be raging and screaming, don’ you think?

Positive Ways To Cope: Exercise

Exercise is also an option for positively coping with anger.  Although not always practical in the moment, if you find that you have tried the other tools and you are still angry, you can use exercise to help. It may help to go for a walk around the block or to do some other form of exercise. For me, whenever I get frustrated, the world certainly seems a lot better after a good, long run.

I should say a word here about punching bags. I have had many clients use punching bags to deal with their anger. There are pros and cons to this. using a punching bag can be a form of venting which really doesn’t help. For instance, if you are imagining your boss and punching like a madman, that’s not a great strategy. But as regular exercise using a punching bag can be great.

I once worked with a professional boxer. He used a punching bag every day and it helped him tremendously with his anger. He also recognized that he should not use it in the moment when he was really angry because there was a great chance of injury to himself. he also shared with our group that his favorite opponents to fight were guys who came to the gym angry.  They were out of control and wild, which made them easy to defeat.

There is a fine line with punching bags, so I would suggest caution. It would never be my first line of defense and I wouldn’t use one in my own home. But it may be a good tool for some. Just be careful how you use it.

Healthy, regular exercise is also one of the best ways to let out tension from your body. Exercise helps your blood to flow and get rid of some of the tension inside.

As a regular form of prevention, exercise is one of the best strategies for yo if you ant to learn to control your anger. Go for a run, take a walk, lift some weights, do some push ups or sit ups. Exercise can help you release the tension that is in your body, and can have some very positive results.

Exercise is often something we know we should do, but don’t. But if you have an anger problem that means that you have stress in your body, and one of the best ways to deal with it is to get some exercise.

Excerpt take from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

Positive Anger Management Coping: Distraction

After you have practiced a couple cycles of breathing you should start feeling better.  If you find that you are still upset, distraction is a good technique. The purpose of distraction is to take your mind off of the present topic and to think about something else other than the situation.  When you are very angry, if is important to distract yourself from what is going on.

Focus your mind on something else than what is going on right in front of you. Do not think about the problem or ruminate on it–especially at first. Since you are not thinking clearly you will probably get upset and make your situation worse if you do.

Counting is a common tool for distraction.  It slows you down and gets you out of your immediate response. That’s why so many people say when you are angry you should count to 10. Counting backwards is harder, which makes you think, which helps you distract from the situation. It also buys you time, which also helps. When I am upset I try to do more advanced math so I have to think about it. I start with the number 100. Then I subtract 7 and work backwards.  100…93…86…and so on. I have to think about these numbers, so it takes my mind off of my situation.

For some people visualization helps. You might try to picture a specific, calm place and focus and think about the details of it. If you are practicing visualization use all your focus senses to the best of your abilities. Imagine the sounds, the smells, the textures of the place. The most vividly you visualize the better it works. Others squeeze a stress ball and focus on the squeezing, the physical act of what you are doing. This helps take your focus off of your immediate situation.

Some people like to play music or do a household chore that will take their attention off of whatever was going on. I like to do something physical, like pulling weeds. It helps give me space and time and slow everything down.

Distraction is often an important step after breathing to help you bring your body level back down to a less tensed state. Of course, the danger of distraction is that it can lead to avoidance. The idea is not to distract forever. We are not avoiding the problem here. We are just distracting ourselves fro a moment so we can calm down and address the problem with our full IQ.

Excerpt take from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

At this point you should have taken space and given yourself some time.  So you have a quiet place to yourself.  The next step is to practice deep, controlled breathing.

This exercise will help you learn a new way to calm down and control your nervous, stressed, and anxious feelings and help eliminate some of the tension from your body.

Deep breathing gets oxygen to your body and slows you down.  This helps to calm you down and put you in a position where you can think. Research has sown that this exercise can have dramatic effects in helping people calm down and release tension. When you learn to control your breathing, you’ll find that it is much easier to control your emotions. It’s also something you can do anytime and anywhere.

Researchers have proven that deep breathing is extremely effective at releasing the tension in your body when you feel your anger rising and your physical cues start to kick in (usually around a 5 or a 6).

Most of the time when you are stressed you breathe short, fast, shallow breaths from your chest. This increases your pulse and the tension in your body and makes it harder to control your emotions. The point of controlled breathing is to do the opposite: slow everything down with long, slow, deep breaths.

How to do it

To start the exercise, get in a comfortable seated position. Sit in a chair in a way that seems relaxing to you.  Now, put your left hand directly above your navel, and your right hand on your chest.

Now concentrate on your breathing. When you breathe in, the hand on your stomach should move up and out, and when you breathe out it should move down. The hand on your chest should stay still and not move the whole time. If you can move our stomach without moving your chest that means you are breathing correctly.

Once you have the form down, try this simple exercise. It is called breathing by fours. You breathe in for four counts, hold for four counts, out for four counts, and then rest for four counts.

Once you have this new method down, add another element to keep your thoughts and mind calm as you are breathing. Keep breathing like you are, but each time you breathe out, say the ‘Calm’ to yourself. Concentrate on the word calm. If you have other thoughts pop into your head besides ‘calm,’ try to picture them floating away with your breath as you exhale. Only focus on the word calm.

Continue to practice controlled breathing: breathing out moving your stomach, counting to four, and focusing on the world “calm.” Practice this exercise every morning when you wake up and every night before you go to sleep for at least five minutes.  Practice when you are not upset, so that you will know what to do and it will come naturally to you when you do become upset.

Excerpt take from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

Time helps you cool down and think more clearly.  When used well, time helps us raise our IQ back to normal.

To use time properly, take a few minutes away from whatever is going on.  Take some physical space, and then give yourself the time you need to calm yourself down before you reengage.  Don’t act right away when you are angry.  That’s the wrong time to make a decision.

Of course, time does not mean forever.  don’t run away from the problem or disappear for a couple days.  If you are angry, don’t act then, but don’t stuff your anger either.  Take some time (usually 10 minutes to an hour–depending on how early you catch it) and then address it.  Don’t hold on to the problem.

Of course, if you are at a 9 it is gong to take you more time to calm down than if you are at a 2.  That’s another benefit to catching your anger early.

Excerpt take from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

To calm yourself down, you will need to learn some positive ways to teach your body to calm down when you are upset.  The first rule of positive coping is: don’t hold it in.  Avoidance is a negative coping strategy, and so dealing with your anger is important.  it’s normal to fee sadness, anxiety, anger or a mix of emotions when you are upset.  It’s important not to hold it in.  Deal with it.

These tools, when used correctly, will help you do just that.  They can help you know what to do when you are stressed and angry.  They ar more difficult than negative coping, but they work in the short term and the long-term.

These are five tools that research has show works in reducing anger.  Learn these five tools well:

1. Space
2. Time
3. Breathing
4. Distraction
5. Muscle Relaxation

Space

The best way to start your calming down is to take some space so that you can refocus.  If you are with someone and you are getting angry, remove yourself from that person.  Separate.

Don’t put yourself in tight quarters with someone who is setting you off.  Get some air.  Get some space alone, away from others.  Go into another room.  If that doesn’t work, walk out of the house and get some space so that you can think.  If you need to walk around the block, that is better than staying in a room and having your stress grow.

Unfortunately, we often get this wrong.  We walk up to them and get in their face.  We get closer.  But this is the opposite of what you want to do, and this will only make your situation worse.

If you are arguing with someone, do not follow them around. This will make your problem worse. You are removing space, and space is your friend. If you are arguing with someone, do not get in their face. If you do this you are also removing space and raising the odds that yo will have a bigger problem.

Taking space the first step to calming yourself down.

One disclaimer here–I once had a client get in a fight with his wife, so he took off and went to a bar.  He later told his wife that his counselor told him he needed to “take some space” when he was angry so it was my fault.  Taking space is good, but let’s be a little smarter about how we do it.

Excerpt take from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management by Michael Ballard, MA, NCC, LPC

Avoidance is another very popular negative coping strategy.  The basic idea is that when a problem happens you pretend like it didn’t.  You move on. You sweep it under the rug.  You ignore it.

Some people avoid by staying really busy.  If you stay busy enough then you don’t have to think about it and then you don’t have to deal with the problem.  Men are especially well known for working extra hours at work when they are angry.  If you can stay busy, you don’t have to deal with whatever is making you angry.

And conflict is messy.  It’s not fun.  if you try and talk it out maybe it won’t go well.  Maybe the other person won’t take it well.  Maybe you will blow up and make the situation worse.

So instead of dealing with it, you just avoid it.  It works in the short term.  But when you do, you create a bigger problem for yourself.  Yes, it feels better today because you don’t have to deal with it.  But it creates two major problems for you.

First of all, avoiding your problem creates tension and stress under the surface.  It often makes it hard for you to sleep and shortens your fuse. Secondly, by not dealing with your problem you are allowing the problem to continue, and in most cases grow.  So instead of dealing with a small problem, you now have a bigger problem on your hands.  If you have a problem, coping with it by avoiding is not a great answer.  If you notice that you are using drugs and alcohol, venting, or avoidance for negativing coping, kn ow that you will succeed in the short term.  But you will fail miserably in the long term.  Don’t rely on drugs and alcohol to cope.  Don’t vent and let your anger out.  And don’t avoid your problem.

Excerpts taken from “Take Control of Your Anger: A Step-by-Step Guide to Anger Management” by Michael Ballard, MA, LPC

We get angry when we come to the conclusion that something is wrong.  It happens like this:

1. Something happens (trigger situation)
2. I think about it in a certain way (trigger thought)
3. I conclude that there is an injustice (something is not fair or wrong)
4. Because of this injustice I feel victimized (taken advantage of, devalued, or not heard)
5. When I feel this way I get angry.

But how do I know if my conclusion is correct?  Just because I conclude that there is an injustice doesn’t actually mean that there is one.  Just beause I think I have been wronged doesn’t mean that I actually have.  I have worked with clients who were furious about something that wasn’t an injustice, and others that were not upset when there really was an injustice.

Sometimes there is a legitimate wrong.  But other times, it is just the way that I am looking at it.  And if is important to handle the situation different depending on if there is a real wrong or not.

Obviously, this is a ver important distinction to make when evaluating your situation and thinking through your anger.

Take care of yourself emotionally.  If you are in a good emotional state you will be less likely to get angry.  If you are emotionally bankrupt just about anything will set you off.

Some ways to improve your emotional health:

• Cultivate emotional supports
• Spend time serving others
• Rest
• Laugh
• Create healthy personal boundaries for yourself
• Picture a better future
• Get a pet
• Practice saying “thank you”